Divorce – a real test for both spouses. But life does not end on it. How not to fall into despondency, decide on a new relationship and enjoy every day – says Tamsin Fedel in his book “One and Happy”.
Tamsin Fedel American journalist, writer, TV presenter, producer, eight -time winner of the Emmy Award.
Stage 1: Experience for the first 90 days
The first 90 days after the divorce can be called the most difficult. For the first time in many years, you have left alone with yourself and grave thoughts about the reasons for the divorce in the family. Tamsin Fedel compares this state with loss. You are lost and do not know where to go further, to whom to turn and how to start enjoying life again. The author of the book “One and Happy” drew up a detailed action plan for the readers for the first 90 days after the divorce.
1. Start by rebooting in your own house
Get rid of furniture that reminds of the ex -husband. Throw or arrange a burning ritual completely optional. Unnecessary things can be sold, and for the proceeds to buy what you always dreamed about. That ridiculous ottoman or a chic bed with a canopy.
2. Organize home space
Get rid of chaos and extra things.
Use the rules of “every thing – your place”, “similar to the like” and “one thing into the house – one of the home”. When cleaning, put the timer (for an hour, two or three) and be sure to rest after the signal. Do not be lazy to take photos before and after – you can see that even point cleaning works effectively.
3. Take care of yourself
Make a new hairstyle or at least just update the haircut, go to the manicure, go in for sports. You can start with morning yoga – there are millions of videos on the network with simple exercises. Over time, you will taste and, quite possibly, at some point you will find yourself in the gym with heavy weights.
4. Conduct a revision of the refrigerator
In the garbage bucket, everything is fat and unimpressed: mayonnaise, sauces with a glutamate of sodium and poor -quality chocolate. New life – new menu. Your choice – vegetables, fruits, healthy cereals, low -fat meat and dark chocolate. Drink clean water and eat in small portions when you feel hunger.
5. Plan classes for every day
In the first months after the divorce, I do not want to do anything at all, so force yourself. Sign up for courses, go to the library or to exhibitions. Testure attacks on Saturday morning? Stand early and go for a walk. Change your habits and develop new.
Psychologists argue that communication, social interaction is one of the key ways to move on after the gap.
Isolation evokes gloomy feelings that nourish the thoughts, words and actions in us, which we will regret about.
6. Stop whining
Master your emotions – who controls whom, in the end? You are the love of your life. And you are the main prize. To reduce stress, use the technique of “Bank of Gratitude”. Put a beautiful jar on the bedside table and put a note there every evening, in which the most positive moment of the day is recorded. At the end of the year, remove and read the notes.
Stage 2: Learn to communicate with her ex -husband
Communication with his ex -husband is one of the most difficult moments in the life of every second divorced woman. It is difficult to refrain from obsessive thoughts to talk with the former heart and still find out the reasons for the divorce in the family. Unpleasant thoughts are constantly spinning in my head: “I was too cold, or thick, or ugly, or inattentive, or unexpectedly”. Tamsin Fedel advises not to share with the surrounding thoughts about the ex -husband (especially negative), as well as adhere to several simple rules.
1. Do not look for meetings
A good reason for personal communication is the fate of children. Decide everything else through intermediaries, acquaintances or lawyers.
2. Do not store his things
Everything he needs, he has already taken. Everything else is not interested in him now and certainly will not interest in a year. It is advisable to get rid of things.
3. Do not follow him on social networks
Remove him from friends and do not poison your soul. Do it immediately after the divorce.
4. Do not draw a false image of the ex -husband
It is common for a person to remember only good. Let go of the memories for at least for some period. Later, when the wounds drag out, you will take out these photos and letters, remember lovely family evenings.
5. Do not use children like a shield
Or as a loophole for information. Do not set up children against your father. Your emotions will settle down, and the attitude of children to the father will remain.
6. Do not respond to the former bad
This is perhaps one of the most difficult tips. The author of the book honestly admits that she herself sinned like. She more than once caught herself thinking that she was happy to remember her ex -husband with a strong word. However, you should not do this, especially in the presence of potential partners.
Stage 3: Learn to go on dates again
After the divorce of many women, he is drawn to go into all heavy in order to prove to themselves (“and this villain!”) That they retained sexual attractiveness for the opposite sex.
How to start meeting men after decades on a spare bench? Tamsin Fedil advises to adhere to two rules.
1. Do not look for the perfect man
Look for the one who respects you now, the one who does not postpone feelings for later. The one for whom you want to get up in the morning, and in the evening to dive into him in bed and pressed under the covers.
2. Appreciate your principles
Do not forget – even for the sake of a gorgeous man – about what is important to you. Do not deceive yourself, thinking about your needs and desires. Stay yourself. If you come up to a man only under certain conditions: a different hair color, weight, habits and addictions – nothing good will come out of this relationship.
Stage 4: Learn to build a new relationship
Often, after a divorce, women are eager to occupy themselves with a new relationship and are ready to literally dissolve in a new man. The author of the book “One and Happy” honestly admits that she herself made some of the described mistakes. Tamsin Fedil had the strength to pull himself together. Invalious experience helped her develop some tips that will protect women from disappointment.
1. Be self -sufficient
Do not humiliate yourself. If he does not call, you did not interest him. There are no other options.
2. Follow the distance
Do not make a best girlfriend from a man, and even more so.
3. Do not become mom
If you took care of the ex -husband, brought him slippers and tea to bed, do not rush to do the same with a new man. Caught themselves on such? Get the dog and leave the man al1.
4. Come to terms with his habits
It is useless to try to break and change another person. You are both of the prevailing personalities, and if you are bothering you at the table at the table, then you should think about how to go. Or take a man with his habits, even those who are infuriated with you, or part.
5. Look for a free man
This is really very important, and there cannot be options “almost in divorce”, “we submit documents tomorrow”, “we live for the sake of children”. Otherwise, you run the risk of falling into a trap and turn into a banal mistress.
Bonus: how to arrange a personal life with children
Children are not a sentence for a personal life. The main thing is to properly organize free time and speak with a child. Do not forget: a child is a child, he is used to considering himself the center of the universe and is unlikely to want to share you with someone else. Tamsin Fedel collected the most valuable tips on how to go on dates if you have children.
1. Talk with children about your feelings
Do not think that they are small and do not understand anything. Children are much more insightful than it seems, and easily guess that you dress up for a reason.
2. Do not lie about your personal life
Over time, the children will learn the truth, but the fact that you lied to them will remain in memory for a long time. And after that, how can you ask them to be honest with you?
No matter how many years to your children, eight or thirty -eight, they still need to confirm your unconditional love. Show them unequivocally that no one will replace them with you.
3. Never put yourself before the choice “Children or Personal Life”
Moreover, do not reproach the child for dedicated his life to him, and he grew up and is going to live separately.
4. Ask for help
If you need the help of friends or relatives, do not hesitate to ask you to sit with children or do some kind of homework. There are familiar mothers in divorce? Unit and help each other.
Tamsin Fedel’s book “One and Happy” – a manual for those who could not recover from a divorce. The author gives tips and recommendations based on his own experience, and also shares the secrets of style and care. If difficult times have come in your life and you do not know how to collect yourself together after the divorce process, we recommend that you pay attention to the book Tamsin Fedel.
Buy a book
Tamsin Fedel American journalist, writer, TV presenter, producer, eight -time winner of the Emmy Award.
Stage 1: Experience for the first 90 days
The first 90 days after the divorce can be called the most difficult. For the first time in many years, you have left alone with yourself and grave thoughts about the reasons for the divorce in the family. Tamsin Fedel compares this state with loss. You are lost and do not know where to go further, to whom to turn and how to start enjoying life again. The author of the book “One and Happy” drew up a detailed action plan for the readers for the first 90 days after the divorce.
1. Start by rebooting in your own house
Get rid of furniture that reminds of the ex -husband. Throw or arrange a burning ritual completely optional. Unnecessary things can be sold, and for the proceeds to buy what you always dreamed about. That ridiculous ottoman or a chic bed with a canopy.
2. Organize home space
Get rid of chaos and extra things.
Use the rules of “every thing – your place”, “similar to the like” and “one thing into the house – one of the home”. When cleaning, put the timer (for an hour, two or three) and be sure to rest after the signal. Do not be lazy to take photos before and after – you can see that even point cleaning works effectively.
3. Take care of yourself
Make a new hairstyle or at least just update the haircut, go to the manicure, go in for sports. You can start with morning yoga – there are millions of videos on the network with simple exercises. Over time, you will taste and, quite possibly, at some point you will find yourself in the gym with heavy weights.
4. Conduct a revision of the refrigerator
In the garbage bucket, everything is fat and unimpressed: mayonnaise, sauces with a glutamate of sodium and poor -quality chocolate. New life – new menu. Your choice – vegetables, fruits, healthy cereals, low -fat meat and dark chocolate. Drink clean water and eat in small portions when you feel hunger.
5. Plan classes for every day
In the first months after the divorce, I do not want to do anything at all, so force yourself. Sign up for courses, go to the library or to exhibitions. Testure attacks on Saturday morning? Stand early and go for a walk. Change your habits and develop new.
Psychologists argue that communication, social interaction is one of the key ways to move on after the gap.
Isolation evokes gloomy feelings that nourish the thoughts, words and actions in us, which we will regret about.
6. Stop whining
Master your emotions – who controls whom, in the end? You are the love of your life. And you are the main prize. To reduce stress, use the technique of “Bank of Gratitude”. Put a beautiful jar on the bedside table and put a note there every evening, in which the most positive moment of the day is recorded. At the end of the year, remove and read the notes.
Stage 2: Learn to communicate with her ex -husband
Communication with his ex -husband is one of the most difficult moments in the life of every second divorced woman. It is difficult to refrain from obsessive thoughts to talk with the former heart and still find out the reasons for the divorce in the family. Unpleasant thoughts are constantly spinning in my head: “I was too cold, or thick, or ugly, or inattentive, or unexpectedly”. Tamsin Fedel advises not to share with the surrounding thoughts about the ex -husband (especially negative), as well as adhere to several simple rules.
1. Do not look for meetings
A good reason for personal communication is the fate of children. Decide everything else through intermediaries, acquaintances or lawyers.
2. Do not store his things
Everything he needs, he has already taken. Everything else is not interested in him now and certainly will not interest in a year. It is advisable to get rid of things.
3. Do not follow him on social networks
Remove him from friends and do not poison your soul. Do it immediately after the divorce.
4. Do not draw a false image of the ex -husband
It is common for a person to remember only good. Let go of the memories for at least for some period. Later, when the wounds drag out, you will take out these photos and letters, remember lovely family evenings.
5. Do not use children like a shield
Or as a loophole for information. Do not set up children against your father. Your emotions will settle down, and the attitude of children to the father will remain.
6. Do not respond to the former bad
This is perhaps one of the most difficult tips. The author of the book honestly admits that she herself sinned like. She more than once caught herself thinking that she was happy to remember her ex -husband with a strong word. However, you should not do this, especially in the presence of potential partners.
Stage 3: Learn to go on dates again
After the divorce of many women, he is drawn to go into all heavy in order to prove to themselves (“and this villain!”) That they retained sexual attractiveness for the opposite sex.
How to start meeting men after decades on a spare bench? Tamsin Fedil advises to adhere to two rules.
1. Do not look for the perfect man
Look for the one who respects you now, the one who does not postpone feelings for later. The one for whom you want to get up in the morning, and in the evening to dive into him in bed and pressed under the covers.
2. Appreciate your principles
Do not forget – even for the sake of a gorgeous man – about what is important to you. Do not deceive yourself, thinking about your needs and desires. Stay yourself. If you come up to a man only under certain conditions: a different hair color, weight, habits and addictions – nothing good will come out of this relationship.
Stage 4: Learn to build a new relationship
Often, after a divorce, women are eager to occupy themselves with a new relationship and are ready to literally dissolve in a new man. The author of the book “One and Happy” honestly admits that she herself made some of the described mistakes. Tamsin Fedil had the strength to pull himself together. Invalious experience helped her develop some tips that will protect women from disappointment.
1. Be self -sufficient
Do not humiliate yourself. If he does not call, you did not interest him. There are no other options.
2. Follow the distance
Do not make a best girlfriend from a man, and even more so.
3. Do not become mom
If you took care of the ex -husband, brought him slippers and tea to bed, do not rush to do the same with a new man. Caught themselves on such? Get the dog and leave the man al1.
4. Come to terms with his habits
It is useless to try to break and change another person. You are both of the prevailing personalities, and if you are bothering you at the table at the table, then you should think about how to go. Or take a man with his habits, even those who are infuriated with you, or part.
5. Look for a free man
This is really very important, and there cannot be options “almost in divorce”, “we submit documents tomorrow”, “we live for the sake of children”. Otherwise, you run the risk of falling into a trap and turn into a banal mistress.
Bonus: how to arrange a personal life with children
Children are not a sentence for a personal life. The main thing is to properly organize free time and speak with a child. Do not forget: a child is a child, he is used to considering himself the center of the universe and is unlikely to want to share you with someone else. Tamsin Fedel collected the most valuable tips on how to go on dates if you have children.
1. Talk with children about your feelings
Do not think that they are small and do not understand anything. Children are much more insightful than it seems, and easily guess that you dress up for a reason.
2. Do not lie about your personal life
Over time, the children will learn the truth, but the fact that you lied to them will remain in memory for a long time. And after that, how can you ask them to be honest with you?
No matter how many years to your children, eight or thirty -eight, they still need to confirm your unconditional love. Show them unequivocally that no one will replace them with you.
3. Never put yourself before the choice “Children or Personal Life”
Moreover, do not reproach the child for dedicated his life to him, and he grew up and is going to live separately.
4. Ask for help
If you need the help of friends or relatives, do not hesitate to ask you to sit with children or do some kind of homework. There are familiar mothers in divorce? Unit and help each other.
Tamsin Fedel’s book “One and Happy” – a manual for those who could not recover from a divorce. The author gives tips and recommendations based on his own experience, and also shares the secrets of style and care. If difficult times have come in your life and you do not know how to collect yourself together after the divorce process, we recommend that you pay attention to the book Tamsin Fedel.
Buy a book